Family Influence – Part 1

Your family influence who you become, nurture your dreams, carve out a path for you to live your life, create your belief system and who you are.  Be very aware of this fact & make sure that you are a role model for your kids.

When it comes to your family, they can make you or break you!

This is not a light hearted post by any means.

It is my heart on my sleeve & a warning about prescription drugs.

My Father has had Arthritis over the past 15 years.

He is to the point that, he is depressed and does not function without opioid (morphine) based painkillers everyday.

I understand Pain is a symptom but what is the underlying issue?

I am naturally a “fixer”  I love to tackle the biggest issues, research them & find the answers to make people’s lives better.  So for 15 years I have taken him to every specialist available to find out what this mystery illness is.  Over 15 years we have discovered that apart from him being morbidly obese, there is no mystery illness.  Please understand that this man is currently 65 years old, he should be retired & happy, playing with his grandkids.

My father & I were close when I was little but when I moved away to find work we lost contact.  He suffered a broken marriage, all the kids left home, he ran his business into the ground, was ripped off by his accountant then went broke & became an alcoholic.  I did not hear from him (not even a birthday card) for 10 years as he travelled around.  I thought he was happy & doing whatever he wanted until I got a phone call from him saying he was sick & he needed somewhere to live.  He lived with my husband & I for 3 years.  In  those three years he stopped drinking, had a double knee reconstruction, was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea & had to surrender his licence.  He was better, I had succeeded to fix him, well that’s what I thought.

After his knee operation he was given Endone, Fentanyl patches, Oxy Contin, & Kapanol for the pain of recovering from his operation.  Sadly to say he still takes these drugs.

I now realise that even though is physical issues were “fixed” he still had emotional issues, masked by the alcohol that manifested into bad knees & inability to move forward.  He then replaced the alcohol with the painkillers, to numb out the undelt with emotional issues.  He became severely addicted to the drugs & moved out,  he got sick of me trying to fix him & taking his drugs. He and I battle over his addiction.  To him I’m unsympathetic, mean & don’t understand.   To me he is someone self destructing by his dependance & in ability to deal with his emotional issues.

My father now lives in a small country town 4 hours away, with my niece (16 years old, who has chosen to live with him instead of her mother – Yes another very sad story).  He only comes to stay with us overnight for his appointments & is gone quickly the next day. He is dependant on someone to bring him to stay, it’s usually someone that feels sorry for him & will protect him so I have to “be nice” about the drugs in front of the guest. Yesterday I asked if he wanted me to come with him as his memory is now so bad that he admits “he can’t think”.   I took my father for his Neurologist appointment.  Naturally it was a new doctor, because he thinks every other doctor he has been to is wrong.  This doctor looked at him & told him that “he was too sick for him to take on as a patient. There is nothing I can do for him.  There are too many underlying issues.  He is addicted to the drugs & that is what is causing his pain.”  Oh & by the way the drugs are killing him.   Every single doctor has told him that he has to get off the drugs & that they would kill him.  But according to my father, he is in so much pain everyday that he needs them, so another doctor will prescribe him drugs to shut him up & get him out the door.  It’s a vicious cycle.  I get him clean for an appointment, the new doctor finds nothing, so deals him out his “prescription” & he starts using again.  It really breaks my heart that he is so crippled, disheveled & beaten.  After the appointment yesterday we had another incredible argument.  I threatened to fix him again & he ran for the hills, and again I am the bad guy.

I am saddened by what my father’s body has done to his mind. I am saddened that my father lives with so many internal demons.  I am disappointed that he chooses to be in pain addicted to prescribed drugs, crippled & miserable.  But with doctors against you what can you do!

As of today, this chapter of my life is over.  I release him to those that want to keep him addicted. My heart is broken.

I will not allow him to be a role model for my children.  I am grateful that they are too little to be influenced by him.

The drugs win. This is what he wants, I have to allow this to kill him.

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